College Drinker Photo Exam

Were College Drinker to be a university– CDU, we’ll call it – we’d have our standard classes: How Much Beer is In a Keg 101, Talking to Drunk Girls 242, so on and so forth.

This article is CDU Graduate School material: Advanced Non-Standard Drinking 397. We’ve found a situation so bizarre, so inexplicable, that the average College Drinker might succumb to confusion rather than engage the drinking. Get ready for some schooling:

 

Fig. 1: “T420”

This guy likes to drink! He was once just another Phish follower, stumbling from show to show on a cocktail of substances. Obviously, he came into contact with someone of significance, who took it upon himself to upgrade this hippy to the next level. Like some patchouli-fueled Terminator, we see that he’s developed significant improvements to enhance the amount of substances he can consume. We’ll call him the T420.

Check it out: he’s developed a hairstyle that actively resists being washed. Not only that, it eliminates any chance he’ll enter into a romantic relationship, which frees up even more time for alcohol/psychedelic consumption! Additionally, it will be hard to smell alcohol on his breath, as he’s helpfully masked it with the scent of a deep, rank BO.

Fig. 2: Chris Martin

Being as Coldplay’s been a little bit less than active since their last album, Chris Martin decided to pull a Bono, but instead of giving out rice to indigents, he’s using Coors Light. Total College Drinker move.

PS: Nice sunglasses, it’s fucking 2 AM.

Fig. 3: That guy

Here we see someone who’s unused to the habits of devoted College Drinkers. This guy was a College Thinker, and he’s probably a little confused as to why he’s holding up some methadone junkie over a keg. Using Photoshop’s “Thoughts” feature, we’ve been able to derive what’s going on with “that guy.”

“Work was super today…what’s this? You guys need help? Sure! So, what do you need me to do? Hold up his feet? Yeah, they’re shoeless, and, uh, kind of smell like death, but, that’s cool! Oh, what’s that? Picture?! Everyone smile!”

That guy manages to be photogenic, even with his face 12 inches away from some indigent’s crotch. This too is instructive for College Drinkers. You’ll find yourself in situations that can be a little bit less than standard, and a true College Drinker always brings his A-Game and is always ready to keep the party going. Like that guy.

Fig. 4: Saul Raul Filipe, Sr.

We tried to apply the Photoshop “Thoughts” feature to this guy and our monitor exploded. There’s no explanation for why he’s in this picture. Sorry.

Fig. 5: The Superstar

Where to start? Some guy that looks like Will Ferrell if he got into heroin instead of comedy was wandering around barefoot in a dark alley and came to this group of strangers. Looking stylish in his sweatshop uniform, he decided that, before getting a haircut or buying a pair of shoes, it was probably time to do a keg stand.

I don’t know what was going through that ratty Ron Jeremy head of his, but something told him that he needed that keg stand, and needed it NOW. So he called up the crew–everyone from Chris Martin to T420–and they did the damn thing, right then and there. The end.

Flip Cup

Every drinking game is good for different situations, but in my opinion, the game of Flip Cup has some serious advantages over other popular games.

Advantages:

• Girls love it
• Fast paced - Very little downtime
• Involves many people
• Minimal setup required
• No balls, quarters, caps or cards needed
• High drinking/time ratio
• Small learning curve
• When the game’s over, another game starts right way!
• Girls LOVE it

Disadvantages:

• Pretty lame to play unless you’re with girls
• Kind of hard

I may be biased, but some of the advantages clearly outweigh the disadvantages.

But why is it girls love Flip Cup so much?

Maybe it’s because it’s easy for them. They only have to drink a small amount of beer at a time. And they don’t have to handle any balls (ha).

Flip Cup is a good middle/end party game, because it will quickly take everyone from a little buzzed to fully drunk. If you try to play too early people might not be up for the challenge. Everyone should have their first drink or two leisurely, and then start a game of ‘Cup.

Basic Flip Cup Rules

1) Break into two teams and line up on opposite sides of a table, lengthwise.
2) Everyone gets one cup, filled a little bit with beer.
3) The first player of both teams cheers and chug their cup.
4) Once the cup is empty, place it down on the table, hanging a little bit off the edge, and attempt to flip it upside-down onto the table.
5) Once the teammate before you has flipped successfully, you can then drink and flip.
6) First team fully-flipped wins!

Bonus Rules (The Fun Ones)

1) To start the match, someone asks the first-flippers a question (“coke or pepsi?”, “Anal or Oral?”). The players shout out their answer before they can begin drinking.
2) Survivor Cup: The losing team of each round votes a member off the team, yet a remaining player must still drink and flip that person’s cup.
3) Strip Cup: losing team takes off an article of clothing each round. (Play this one when people get really drunk, and let the girls win first so they’ll see it’s serious.)

Learning the Game

There’s no way to teach the perfect flip, it’s something you just have to learn for yourself. So go out there and start flipping!

World Series Of Flip Cup

The first WSOFC was held on July 2006, with 16 teams coming together to compete at Kisling’s Tavern in Baltimore. The 2008 World Series of Flip Cup was held at the Recher Theatre on May 3, 2008 and 44 teams competed.

To find out more, check out the site of Major League Flip Cup.

7 Summer Beer Fests You Don’t Want to Miss: College Drinker’s Summer Guide

If you’ve never been to a beer festival, you’re missing out on one of life’s true pleasures. Imagine a huge party that’s all about drinking beer, with a wide variety of brewers - both big and small - just waiting for you to sample their best brews. From now until October is the true season of beer festivals, and there are over 500 of them registered in North America. It’s a sure bet for an unforgettable summer experience.

So, to help you out, we compiled a list of six of the best beer festivals in North America. Even if you’ve never been to a beer festival before, if you have the chance to make it to one of these festivals, they are just too good to miss. Buy your tickets and make your plans now because some of these fill up very quickly.

1) Mondial de la Bière

May 28 to June 1 - Montreal, Canada

The Mondial is not just about beer but also about food, cider, and mead (a beer-strength drink made with fermented honey). Here you’re certain to find many Canadian breweries which you’ve likely never heard of. There is an emphasis on connoisseurship at the Mondial in the form of seminars and guided tastings in which you learn about what you’re enjoying - perfect for the first-time festival goer looking to gain a better appreciation for beer in all forms. It’s a five day festival with - get this: free admission! This makes it well worth the chance to try the more than 350 beers. This year is the 15th anniversary of the festival, and they’re going to have 15 beers created exclusively for the festival. A sure hit early on in the summer

2) Oregon Brewers Festival

July 24 to 27 - Portland, Oregon

Portland is home to some 30-odd breweries and brewpubs, more than in any other U.S. city. The multiday Oregon Brewers Festival takes place on green, grassy fields along the lovely Willamette River. More than 70 brewers, from Oregon and elsewhere, each bring one beer - with the idea being that everyone can experience them all. Some brewers offer their best-known beer, and others showcase special releases. Admission is free again, but you pay for the beer you drink and your souvenir mug.

3) Belgium Comes to Cooperstown

August 1 to 3 - Cooperstown, NY

If you are a fan of Belgium beer, Belgium Comes to Cooperstown is a MUST. Only 800 tickets are sold for this intimate event, but the experience is even more fantastic because of that. More than 150 Belgian and Belgian-style beers, including those of the host, Brewery Ommegang, all situated in wooded farmland near Cooperstown, New York. There’s also music, camping, starlight, and some wild brewer behavior. The result is somewhat like the Woodstock of brewing… only without the acid. If you have time, you can always hit up the Coopsertown Baseball Hall of Fame right nearby too.

4) Great Taste of the Midwest

August 9 - Madison, Wisconsin

This may be the hardest ticket to get. The Great Taste is held in a pretty lakeside setting in Madison, Wisconsin, with 600 beers from 100 brewers—and only 5,000 tickets. The home brewers who sponsor the festival will release 3,000 tickets locally on May 4; there will be a mail-order lottery for the other 2,000. Great beer, great brats, and, of course, great Wisconsin cheese.

5) World Beer Festival

October 4 - Durham, North Carolina

Organized by All About Beer magazine, World Beer gathers together not just craft brewers from around the country, but also importers who bring beers from around the world. The festival takes place at the historic ballpark in Durham, North Carolina, where “Bull Durham” was filmed. There are specialty presentations of aged beers, cask-conditioned beers, and rare and expensive beers. It doesn’t hurt that the festival is smack-dab in the middle of some of the best barbecue country in the South.

6) Great American Beer Festival

October 9 to 11 - Denver, Colorado

The Great American Beer Festival in Denver boasts more breweries and beers than any other fest in the world. Last year, 408 breweries, from Anheuser-Busch to the smallest brewpubs, poured 1,884 different beers for 46,000 attendees during the course of three days. You only get one-ounce pours, but you won’t taste everything: One ounce of every beer on offer would be 117 pints! Medals are awarded in a dizzying list of categories (86 this year), and when the winners are announced on Saturday afternoon, it’s a rush to the winners’ taps. Make sure to buy tickets beforehand, or pay scalpers’ premiums.

7) Brewtopia: Great World Beer Fest

October 31 - November 1 - New York, NY

Brewtopia: the Great World Beer Festival is one of the world’s largest beer events and New York City’s longest running beer festival. Okay, so maybe Oct/Nov isn’t really summer, but we had to include this one anyway. The Great World Beer Festival features breweries and beer companies from around the world. Last year’s GWBF was a raging success, quickly selling out, so get your tickets early. This event takes place right on Pier 92 in the middle of the city.

General Tips for Beer Festivals:

Hit up one of these festivals for a time you’re sure to never forget not remembering. But in order to have the best time possible, here’s a list of tips to remember:

1. A good rule of thumb for beer fest is to try lighter beers first; save the dark, high-alcohol, and seriously hoppy beers for later. You don’t want to blow out your taste buds early.
2. Drink plenty of water to cleanse your palate and your head. Remember to eat; big beers on an empty stomach is a fast ticket to Drunksville.
3. Always know where the bathrooms are.
4. Get a copy of the festival program, and make notes or marks by the beers you like most because you may want to find them again.
5. Most importantly, pace yourself so you can enjoy the whole event.

There are many beer fests in North America, and this is by no means an exhaustive list, but go to one of these festivals this summer and maybe we’ll see you there.

For a complete list of beer festivals try the Beer Festival calendar or BeerAdvocate’s calendar. You may even find a local one there.

The Clear Choice: All About Everclear

Ahh… Freshman year.

We used to pregame everything. We’d pregame the pregame, with no game in sight. Some might call this “problem drinking.” Yes, I think that’s accurate. But as long as we’re still in college, it’s not pathetic, it’s epic.

As you can imagine we were getting to know the liquor store pretty well, and spending a lot of money on alcohol. One day we did a little math and realized: Everclear would get us more drunk per dollar. So, for many amazing months I don’t remember very well, Everclear was our drink of choice.

 

 

What is Everclear?

If you don’t know about what Everclear is: 190 proof (151 in some states) grain alcohol. Compare that to your standard vodka, which is generally 80-100 proof.

Everclear is very strong. So strong, you really can’t even take shots of it. I know that sounds like a challenge, but for real I don’t advise it. If you want to prove your manhood do a 4-beer beer bong, take 5 normal shots in a row, or do a strikeout. But drinking Everclear straight isn’t awesome, it’s just awful.

Being more than double the strength of regular alcohol, Everclear hits your system hard. Because of a compounding effect from the extremely ABV, one shot of Everclear is equivalent to drinking about 2.7 shots. Excellent, we’re getting drunk really quick now, aren’t we?

But seriously, this means that 2 shots of Everclear will put you 5 deep; this is a good thing. But, 4 Shots of Everclear will basically put you 10 deep; this is usually not a good thing if it’s extremely fast. Be very careful.

So How DO I Drink it?

What I found works amazingly well are 20oz bottles of soda. Wild Cherry Pepsi was personal favorite - leading to the most mild aftertaste and least burning - but any soda will work. Drink the soda down to just above the skinny part, and approx. 2 shots everclear will fit on top. Shake well, open slowly, and bam you’ve got a Wild Cherry Pepsi with 5 shots in it.

Magically, even though Everclear is so potent, two shots of Everclear in a 20oz drink doesn’t burn too much worse than using regular vodka. So when you need to take a drink on the road, Everclear is going to do you right.

 

 

 

 

JUNGLE JUICE

One of the uses of Everclear is when it is an ingredient in the beautiful concoction known as Jungle Juice. Many different recipes exist, but in it’s most basic form it’s fruit punch Kool Aid and Everclear. I always put some Sprite in too. Get a big cooler, make the whole thing of Kool Aid, dump in the whole 2L of Sprite, and a healthy amount of everclear. Bam Jungle Juice. Cue the huge party, the drunken debauchery, and all the events you wont remember until your friends tell you them in the morning.

Final Warning

There is some research that suggests that drinking grain alcohol like Everclear may eat away at your internal organs. Damn.

Open Letter: To Express for Men

Minor Lapel rants about things that piss him off. Let’s just say you don’t want this letter addressed to you!

From: Minor Lapel
Dear Express for Men:

The purpose of this letter is simple: I wanted to thank you for all you’ve given me. Bar after bar I’ve been to it never fails: every time I’m hitting on a girl and some douche bag buys her a vodka-Red Bull, you’ve clothed him fully in Express for Men.

What I want to know is, how do you do it? Frankly, I’m amazed that you’ve somehow tricked every meathead into wearing your athletic fit, striped button-downs and preworn jeans, yet you’ve done the deed! I don’t know if you sell the requisite gold strand necklace as well, but please forward my congratulations on to whomever you’re working with to get them to buy the jewelry.

The best part isn’t the fact that you tricked them into spending all the money they would have spent on body kits for their shitty Volkswagen Jettas on paint-splattered jeans instead, but that you’ve made my life so much easier. It used to be that I had to be witty to insult meatheads, but since you’ve convinced your clientele to dress and act exactly the fucking same, I can just use the same boilerplate insult to any of them, and it all works!

Why does it look like each one looks like an Oompah-Loompah? Why do they all wear more lip gloss than Miley Cyrus? How come they always want to fight, but never seem to actually do it? I ask them, but they never have an answer. And, I guess that’s why I’m writing:
Express for Men, how do you do it? How do you convince them that girls want to sleep with guys that wear this? You wily dog, Express for Men, that shirt looks like my grandma’s kitchen wallpaper! But they all buy it anyways. And how do you explain this?! They should make prisoners wear these. Maybe use them as signals for airplanes. But at the club? I don’t think so, Express for Men.

I’ve got one last message, Express for Men: don’t rest on your laurels. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for everything you’ve done, but you’ve got competition. Armani Exchange is making guido heads explode with their new line. I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s a rule you need to be able to recite Benny Benassi’s entire discography just to own this shirt. Keep your game strong, Express for Men, because you’ve got challengers.
Best,

Minor Lapel

PS: Please forward this to anyone who’s helped you in your mission: Armani Exchange, Gucci, Ruehl, American Eagle and the occasional Abercrombie jeans. You know what I’m talking about.

Know What You Drink: Beginner’s Guide to the Different Types of Beer

Beer. Ale, Lager, Porter, Stout, Malt, Pilsner. Those are words which I think describe types of beer, but who actually knows what they mean?

The Internet knows, that’s who, and now so can you. Because being a college drinker is about more than just drinking, it is our responsibility to know about the beverage we love so much. So we’ve created a very broad overview. There are many intricacies to beer, but we want to hook you up with some basics first.

The next time some snooty partygoer tries to call you out on being a dumb drunk, you can slap some knowledge in their face and let them know you’re a pretty smart drunk.

 

There are two major types of beer: Lagers and Ales. The difference is defined by what type of yeast is used.

Lagers: yeast ferments at the bottom, colder temperatures, slower brewing.
Ales: yeast ferments at the top, warmer temperatures, faster brewing.

Lagers are generally lighter in color
Ales are generally darker. Except for Pale Ales, which are lighter.

Examples of Lagers: Budweiser, Miller, Coors, Corona, Heineken
Examples of Ales: Guinness, Sierra Nevada, Goose Island

Also, there are subcategories of Ales:

Porters and Stouts are the really dark beers like Guinness, and refer essentially to the same thing.

Then there are Pale Ales, like Sierra Nevada and Goose Island.

Pilsner is a type of Lager that’s really light, that’s what Heineken and Stella Artois are.

Malt is not a type of beer. Malting is the process that happens to cereal grains before they get used to make beer. Malt Liquor is of course a staple of the college drinker diet, and refers to beers that have higher alcohol contents.

Alright so there you have it, now you know a little more about the beer you drink. There’s a lot more to say about types of beers, but that will have to wait. Right now I think I’m going to crack open a nice Stout Ale, and maybe later I’ll play some pong games with a few classic American Lagers.

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