Act Like You Can Dance

 

Nothing scares me more than hearing the words, “Dance Party.”

Just two simple, innocuous words, yet when placed together they are powerful enough to make my knees buckle. Just the thought of an impromptu dance party makes girls panties wet, but where does that leave guys like me, who lack any sense of rhythm and haven’t danced since the bar-mitzvah era? Well, for a while I thought guys like me were essentially fucked.

How could I, a stiff uncoordinated Jew (that’s a little redundant) make it in this dance-crazed college atmosphere, where inevitably at every party some douchebag with a double popped collar starts dancing to Soulja Boy, and some girl is blasting DJ Slammy and getting all her little girlfriends to sign and dance along? But after roughly a year and a half of experimenting with hard drugs and dreaming of living in a town like the one in Footloose, I realized that there are still ways to look cool at dance parties, even if the last song you’ve danced to was the Electric Slide.

Here are the two best options, take it or leave it: [Read more]

Top 10 signs your girlfriend’s a SLUT!

 

You might want to worry if:

10) She calls you by the wrong name during sex. Different names. Repeatedly.

9) When you Google her name, all of the sites that come up are porn sites.

8) She eats dick for breakfast

7) Her name is Amber, Tiffany or Cindi.

6) She has a bigger porn collection than you do.

5) She is a regular at the free health clinic. They know her by name. [Read more]

Find Love at a Bar?

Not Likely. According to about.com only 9% of women and 2 % of men say that they have ever found a relationship at a bar or club. Could it be the beer googles?

Seems you are much more likely to find the one for you in class, a club, or at work.

But it’s not like you should stop going to bars! There’s nothing out there that says you can’t find a cheap, booze-soaked crazy one-night-stand-to-tell-all-your-friends-about at a bar!

Too Drunk To Get It Up!

Q: A good friend of mine recently relayed a story in which, after a night of heavy drinking, he was unable to get an erection with which to sex his girl up.

A: Well I did some research of my own and found that yes, this can happen. It’s a condition known to many college students simply as “Whiskey Dick.” How many drinks does it take to get Whiskey-Dick? Preliminary field research suggests that 2 shots of Jack, 1 Sunny D and vodka, 3 Beers, and 7 Whiskey Sours do the trick. Our experts are in the field right now, and as more reports come in we can work the data into a less case-specific answer for you. Until then, some tips on avoiding this unfortunate phenomenon:

What Can I Do?
First of all relax. Though a terrible fate, this WD is not the end of the world. It is usually the case that if you are drunk enough to experience this affliction, you were probably going to make a big mistake anyway – another common symptom of overdrinking. Trust your warrior, he knows when it’s not safe to go into battle.

[Read more]

Does Red Wine Really Make Chicks Horny?

“Red is hot, and all of a sudden the guy becomes a lot classier” croons UCLA sophomore, Emily Birchfield. “Red wine reminds me of romantic seduction.” We’ve all been told that red wine makes chicks horny, but is this really a fact? And if so, what makes it true? It would seem that the feeling girls get when drinking red wine is largely a result of media depictions, seeing as Birchfield did not even mention its taste. But for some, the taste is what causes the feeling.

Me So Horny

“The mellow taste red wine gives can’t be found in any other drink - beer is meant to be chugged, liquor to get drunk fast, but the taste in red wine allows the drinker to take it slow and just be mellow,” says Sabrina Lopez, 23, of Southern California. But even for Lopez, red wine evokes feelings of intense romance remembered from movies. “[Red wine] makes me want to think of Italy where all the guys are good-looking and romantic”, Lopez adds.20-year-old Aimee Lona says about red wine: “It isn’t a sloppy, ‘I want to rape you’ kind of drunkenness. It’s more of a ‘I want to make love to you’ kind of feeling.” It all boils down to romance, and as long as that presence is felt, girls will find it hard to resist the accompanying feelings.

The Facts

These claims may appear to be subjective, but there are, in fact, scientific findings that support them. Forensic Science International’s Simon Elliot wrote, “It was found that naturally occurring GHB…[was] detected in those beverages involving the fermentation of white and particularly red grapes.” Being college students of the 21st century, it is a safe bet that many of you have heard about the risks of GHB (gamma-Hydroxybutyric acid). GHB is a “date rape” powder, that when poured into a drink, can cause the drinker intense intoxication to the point of passing out completely. However, at low doses, like those found in red wine, GHB causes euphoria, increases sociability, and yes - enhances sex drive. Now, Bob Marley’s lyric “Red, red wine, it’s up to you” should have more meaning for all of us when we sing along.

Word of caution: Many girls swear by white wine, too. KNOW YOUR CHICK!

Socially Inept Syndrome: Are You Awkward?

Do you find that you have difficulty picking up girls at college parties? Do you feel like you are incapable of initiating an engaging conversation with a member of the opposite sex without your throat becoming dry and your hands becoming clammy? Do you ever eat fruit without washing it first?

If your response is yes to all of these, you may be suffering from the epidemic sweeping across universities known as Socially Inept Syndrome (and you may also be afflicted with early stages of food poisoning).

Are you at Risk?

Young men, generally between the ages of 16-24, who suffer from SIS may have any of the following symptoms: plays more than one hour of World of Warcraft a day, has a Bette Midler poster in his room, has a snow hat and mittens that match his winter coat, has more than one pair of argyle socks, knows every word to the song, “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” and has had a Bar-Mitzvah. If you suffer from any of those deathly awkward symptoms, you can treat yourself by improving in at least one of the five C’s: Confidence, Communication, Character, Confusion, and Appearance. [Read more]

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