Drunk Monkeys!

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Beer Cupcakes = Neat!

Alright kids, I love beer, and I love cupcakes. Let’s combine them! Thanks to the brilliant minds at City Pages, now we can.
Ingredients you will need:

• A stick and a tablespoon of unsalted butter
• A bottle or can of Guinness (go for the best, but if you aren’t a fan of Guinness, well, first you should probably rethink your life, but next you can probably substitute a similar, not-too-hoppy dark stout)
• 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa
• 2 cups dark brown sugar
• 3/4 cup sour cream
• 2 eggs
• 1 tablespoon vanilla extract
• 2 cups flour
• 2 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 8 oz cream cheese
• 1 1/4 cups confectioners’ sugar
• 1/3 cup milk (optional)
• Muffin tin
• Bowls
• An oven (no shit, Sherlock)

Instructions:
(Here I’ll try to be as simple as possible, in case you’re baking and drunk. Really though, please don’t bake while drunk. That’s bad.)

1. Preheat the oven to 350°
2. In a saucepan, melt the butter. (or nuke it if you’re lazy, like me)
3. Add a cup of Guinness to the butter (here the author warns us to be wary of the smell: “pretty strange… though not entirely unpleasant.” Ok then.)
4. Turn off the heat (or remove from the microwave) and add the cocoa and the brown sugar. Wisk that puppy up real good.
5. Eat mass quantities of the uncooked batter you have created, yet save enough to make actual cupcakes – at least one or two. (optional)
6. In a separate bowl, whisk the sour cream, eggs, and vanilla until smooth.
7. Combine your two mixtures. Go ahead and eat mass quantities of this batter too, you know, as long as you don’t mind salmonella.
8. Sift (what a cool word) in the flour and the baking soda. For the culinarily-challenged, this means “to scatter or sprinkle through or by means of a sieve.” (thank you, dictionary.com) Colanders work too.
9. Stir away all clumps.
10. Pour the batter into the muffin tin. Bake for roughly 25 minutes or, until you can stick a knife in (the cupcake. please, please don’t hurt yourself) and it comes out clean.
11. Frosting time. ☺ Warm up the cream cheese a little so it is soft, and whip it together with the confectioners sugar.
12. Add the milk. (City Pages added Guinness instead. WOAH! What a rebel.) The amount of milk (or beer) added will determine how thick/thin your frosting is, so pour wisely.
13. If the cupcakes are cool, frost away!
14. Aaaaand you’re done! Eat, and enjoy.

Open Letter: To The Bitchy Bartender

Minor Lapel rants about things that piss him off.  Let’s just say that you don’t want this letter addressed to you.

From:  Minor Lapel
Dear Stacy: 
I’m writing about that conversation we had last Friday.  Do you remember?  You were working at a bar that lets in 18-year-olds, and I was trying to buy a beer?  No?  I’m pretty sure you were still about 39 last week, if that helps.  You’re like, twice my age, but you work at a college bar.

That’s not helpful?  OK.  Well, anyways. 

I was trying to buy a beer, but I didn’t want a bottle of Bud Light, even though that was the drink special.  A bottle of Bud Light is like a Big Mac served on china.  It still sucks.   And I don’t care if it “only” costs $2.  If I only drank to save money, I would just stick to bum wine.  It looks like the rest of your shitty bar clientèle made that decision a while ago.

But that’s neither here nor there:  I was trying to buy a bottle of 312, and I ordered it as a “three twelve.”  Why?  Because that’s a logical thing to call a product that starts with a three and ends with a twelve.  Nevertheless, you told me your bar didn’t carry three twelve.  As I considered this, debating whether or not to slum out with what I’m sure would have been a warm and stale bottle of Bud Light, you told me that you did serve “three one two.” 
Stacy, we need to talk.  While your attempt at sarcasm is commendable, you should probably leave the wit to people who haven’t failed the GED yet.  I’m trying to order a beer at a place whose sole purpose is to serve alcohol – try to keep that in mind.  If you really want to get into a debate about appropriate diction, I would love to engage you.  Correcting the way I refer to a beer, however, isn’t going to make me want to tip you any more than I already do. 

And, let’s be real:  that crystal meth isn’t going to pay for itself.
Kisses,

Minor Lapel

Japanese Automatic Beer Machine

Foreign Students: Different Views on Lower Drinking Age

For many American college students, the 21 year old drinking age feels restraining and is an excuse to break the law.

According to a recent discussion by the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, international students at the University of Minnesota think lowering the drinking age would be a mistake. A student from Sweden talked about how alcohol “is just used to chill and not get crazy.” But most of the students from European countries agreed that the real problem isn’t just the drinking age, it is the driving age instead.

Although there is a recent trend of American high school students waiting to get their driver’s license, many are still able to drive at 16.

This, combined with a culture of binge drinking, students said, would lead to a large increase in car accidents and potentially fatalities.

But with strong drunk-driving lobbies still keeping Congress from considering lowering the limit, this is and will for the near future remain a moot point.

Absinthe: The Guide to Getting, Preparing, and Drinking Absinthe

Not too long ago, I passed through U.S. Customs with a nice little bottle of magic from Israel. It was green, it was bitter, it was something that’s supposed to get you really messed up. But low and behold, after a night of merely 3 shots of alcohol, I wake up to see pictures of me without any pants for majority of the night.

While this can easily be described as “the night my girlfriend dumped me because of the amount of nudity on facebook,” it’s actually “the night that absinthe kicked my ass.” And absinthe baby, I got only one thing to say to you: welcome to the U.S. of A.

Absinthe is Legal

For those of you that don’t know already, absinthe has been legalized in this beautiful nation for the first time since 1912. No more do you have to empty shampoo bottles to import the highest concentrated alcoholic beverage into the States. No. If you want to grab a bottle, just find a store that carries it. Boing!

Yes, you’ve all probably heard from your friend that his cousin went to France and had absinthe and was so fucked up he started hallucinating. But most of the time your friend’s cousin is full of shit.  But don’t worry weary public, I’m here to hold your hand and walk you through that mystical place that is le truth, de la absinthe.

But what is absinthe?

The first thing you need to pop into your head when you hear the word absinthe is alcohol by volume (ABV). To put this all into perspective for you, beer has an ABV of 12%, wine 15%, vodka, whiskey or rum 60%, and absinthe…89.5%. That’s 180 proof. Take that Bud Light!

Unless you break out a bathtub and have your g-ma dust off her old recipe for grain alcohol from 1930, this is the crème de le crème. You can’t get more alcohol than this without sipping rubbing alcohol. So if you’re looking to really party hardy hardy, you can’t go wrong with these numbers.

But wait, I’ve seen that absinthe poster with the sort of hot chick on it. Isn’t she adding all these crazy things to the absinthe and drinking it out of some strange glass? And for that I would give you a cookie because you just saved your ass.

I have tried absinthe straight up and it was a bad idea man. Don’t do it! Chugging an entire coke after a non-prepared shot doesn’t even cut it. Think of the bitterest thing imaginable, and that is the pure taste of absinthe.

Preparation

There are two ways to prepare absinthe to cut the edge: The Kosher Way and The Poor Man’s Way. The Kosher Way is a little more complicated. You pour your shot of absinthe into a glass and then hold a slotted spoon over it. You place a sugar cube on the spoon and then pour water over the sugar and into your glass. This will distill the harshness of the 90% alcohol you’re about to consume and also cut the bitter taste. Prepared this way is more like a cocktail you nurse.
If you’re looking to fully get a college experience of absinthe, you need to follow The Poor Man’s Way. You need a shot glass, a normal glass, sugar, a spoon, and a lighter. Poor out a shot’s worth of absinthe and pour it into your glass. Then take your spoon and dip it in a little bit of the absinthe. Poor sugar on the spoon, and then light the spoon on fire. You read that correctly, free-base your sugar (also known as caramelization). Once all the sugar is a golden brown (and you’ve blown out the flame), quickly dip the spoon in the cup of absinthe and stir quickly. The sugar will mix directly with the liquid, making your shot lose its bitter edge.

A disclaimer on the Poor Man’s Way: because you don’t distill the alcohol content, you will fully feel the power of 90% ABV. Chasers work just fine but be prepared to feel the burn.

Hallucinations

Now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Can absinthe make you hallucinate? The answer is, sort of.

When shopping for absinthe you need to read the fine print. Absinthe is made from a mixture of flowers that when mixed around creates a different type of absinthe. The one you want to look for contains wormwood.

Say it with me, “wormwood.” Now that is what will make you “hallucinate.” Wormwood as a drug is used to help alleviate extreme pain. It’s most common use was for pregnant women in labor. So if you take back enough shots (usually 2-3, but hey, go crazy if you want) you will feel a sense of euphoria accompanied by your body getting drunker faster than ever before.

About this time is when you should hallucinate. But in all honesty, you won’t. The “hallucinations” you’ll experience are really things you might see if you were just really drunk. During my experience I saw a floating, fuzzy dot about 10 feet in front of me that I was chasing around. While that is out of the norm, it’s not like dropping acid or smoking salvia. Maybe you’ll see something when you’re out of your brain on absinthe, but most likely you’ll experience a very loose, high-type drunk that’s just plain fun.

Getting Your Own

A final piece of advice as you go off to the nearest liquor store carrying absinthe. Don’t rely on the bottle you’ll by there. While absinthe has become legalized, the U.S. is only producing and selling a few brands of absinthe. Most of these start at an ABV of 45% as opposed to the typical 90%. If you want the real good shit, you can personally import it from out of the States. As time goes on though, the Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau will allow more types of absinthe be produced and sold through U.S. liquor stores.

And when you get a bottle of the good stuff, happy trails.

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