Open Letter: To Express for Men

Minor Lapel rants about things that piss him off. Let’s just say you don’t want this letter addressed to you!

From: Minor Lapel
Dear Express for Men:

The purpose of this letter is simple: I wanted to thank you for all you’ve given me. Bar after bar I’ve been to it never fails: every time I’m hitting on a girl and some douche bag buys her a vodka-Red Bull, you’ve clothed him fully in Express for Men.

What I want to know is, how do you do it? Frankly, I’m amazed that you’ve somehow tricked every meathead into wearing your athletic fit, striped button-downs and preworn jeans, yet you’ve done the deed! I don’t know if you sell the requisite gold strand necklace as well, but please forward my congratulations on to whomever you’re working with to get them to buy the jewelry.

The best part isn’t the fact that you tricked them into spending all the money they would have spent on body kits for their shitty Volkswagen Jettas on paint-splattered jeans instead, but that you’ve made my life so much easier. It used to be that I had to be witty to insult meatheads, but since you’ve convinced your clientele to dress and act exactly the fucking same, I can just use the same boilerplate insult to any of them, and it all works!

Why does it look like each one looks like an Oompah-Loompah? Why do they all wear more lip gloss than Miley Cyrus? How come they always want to fight, but never seem to actually do it? I ask them, but they never have an answer. And, I guess that’s why I’m writing:
Express for Men, how do you do it? How do you convince them that girls want to sleep with guys that wear this? You wily dog, Express for Men, that shirt looks like my grandma’s kitchen wallpaper! But they all buy it anyways. And how do you explain this?! They should make prisoners wear these. Maybe use them as signals for airplanes. But at the club? I don’t think so, Express for Men.

I’ve got one last message, Express for Men: don’t rest on your laurels. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for everything you’ve done, but you’ve got competition. Armani Exchange is making guido heads explode with their new line. I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s a rule you need to be able to recite Benny Benassi’s entire discography just to own this shirt. Keep your game strong, Express for Men, because you’ve got challengers.
Best,

Minor Lapel

PS: Please forward this to anyone who’s helped you in your mission: Armani Exchange, Gucci, Ruehl, American Eagle and the occasional Abercrombie jeans. You know what I’m talking about.

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