7yo in Foster Care after Dad “Mistakenly” Buys Him Booze at Ballgame

Father claims he “didn’t know” Mike’s Hard Lemonade was alcoholic

7 year-old Leo Ratte was taken from his parents custody after his father “mistakenly” purchased a Mike’s Hard Lemonade for him to drink at a Tiger’s game. A Comerica Park security guard noticed the bottle in young Leo’s hand and notified police after confronting the father.

The father, Christopher Ratte - 47 years-old and a tenured professor of classical archaeology at the University of Michigan - said that he did not know the drink was alcoholic when he purchased it for his son. “I’d never drunk it, never purchased it, never heard of it,” Ratte told reporters. “And it’s certainly not what I expected when I ordered a lemonade for my 7-year-old.”

The Comerica security guard estimated that Leo had drunk about 12 ounces of the Mike’s Hard Lemonade, which is 5% alcohol. Leo was taken, by ambulance, to nearby Children’s Hospital where, 90 minutes later, an ER physician performed a blood test that found his BAC to be normal.

The kid was discharged, but it would be two days before the state of Michigan allowed Ratte’s wife, U-M architecture professor Claire Zimmerman, to take their son home, and nearly a week before Ratte was permitted to move back into his own house.

What do you think?

Should the Michigan cops have cut Ratte a break? Or should he have known that Mike’s Hard Lemonade was alcoholic?

Beach Pong

Definitely going to need the water cups

Mom Would Be So Proud

Keystone Light Beer Ad

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The Clear Choice: All About Everclear

Ahh… Freshman year.

We used to pregame everything. We’d pregame the pregame, with no game in sight. Some might call this “problem drinking.” Yes, I think that’s accurate. But as long as we’re still in college, it’s not pathetic, it’s epic.

As you can imagine we were getting to know the liquor store pretty well, and spending a lot of money on alcohol. One day we did a little math and realized: Everclear would get us more drunk per dollar. So, for many amazing months I don’t remember very well, Everclear was our drink of choice.

 

 

What is Everclear?

If you don’t know about what Everclear is: 190 proof (151 in some states) grain alcohol. Compare that to your standard vodka, which is generally 80-100 proof.

Everclear is very strong. So strong, you really can’t even take shots of it. I know that sounds like a challenge, but for real I don’t advise it. If you want to prove your manhood do a 4-beer beer bong, take 5 normal shots in a row, or do a strikeout. But drinking Everclear straight isn’t awesome, it’s just awful.

Being more than double the strength of regular alcohol, Everclear hits your system hard. Because of a compounding effect from the extremely ABV, one shot of Everclear is equivalent to drinking about 2.7 shots. Excellent, we’re getting drunk really quick now, aren’t we?

But seriously, this means that 2 shots of Everclear will put you 5 deep; this is a good thing. But, 4 Shots of Everclear will basically put you 10 deep; this is usually not a good thing if it’s extremely fast. Be very careful.

So How DO I Drink it?

What I found works amazingly well are 20oz bottles of soda. Wild Cherry Pepsi was personal favorite - leading to the most mild aftertaste and least burning - but any soda will work. Drink the soda down to just above the skinny part, and approx. 2 shots everclear will fit on top. Shake well, open slowly, and bam you’ve got a Wild Cherry Pepsi with 5 shots in it.

Magically, even though Everclear is so potent, two shots of Everclear in a 20oz drink doesn’t burn too much worse than using regular vodka. So when you need to take a drink on the road, Everclear is going to do you right.

 

 

 

 

JUNGLE JUICE

One of the uses of Everclear is when it is an ingredient in the beautiful concoction known as Jungle Juice. Many different recipes exist, but in it’s most basic form it’s fruit punch Kool Aid and Everclear. I always put some Sprite in too. Get a big cooler, make the whole thing of Kool Aid, dump in the whole 2L of Sprite, and a healthy amount of everclear. Bam Jungle Juice. Cue the huge party, the drunken debauchery, and all the events you wont remember until your friends tell you them in the morning.

Final Warning

There is some research that suggests that drinking grain alcohol like Everclear may eat away at your internal organs. Damn.

Open Letter: To Express for Men

Minor Lapel rants about things that piss him off. Let’s just say you don’t want this letter addressed to you!

From: Minor Lapel
Dear Express for Men:

The purpose of this letter is simple: I wanted to thank you for all you’ve given me. Bar after bar I’ve been to it never fails: every time I’m hitting on a girl and some douche bag buys her a vodka-Red Bull, you’ve clothed him fully in Express for Men.

What I want to know is, how do you do it? Frankly, I’m amazed that you’ve somehow tricked every meathead into wearing your athletic fit, striped button-downs and preworn jeans, yet you’ve done the deed! I don’t know if you sell the requisite gold strand necklace as well, but please forward my congratulations on to whomever you’re working with to get them to buy the jewelry.

The best part isn’t the fact that you tricked them into spending all the money they would have spent on body kits for their shitty Volkswagen Jettas on paint-splattered jeans instead, but that you’ve made my life so much easier. It used to be that I had to be witty to insult meatheads, but since you’ve convinced your clientele to dress and act exactly the fucking same, I can just use the same boilerplate insult to any of them, and it all works!

Why does it look like each one looks like an Oompah-Loompah? Why do they all wear more lip gloss than Miley Cyrus? How come they always want to fight, but never seem to actually do it? I ask them, but they never have an answer. And, I guess that’s why I’m writing:
Express for Men, how do you do it? How do you convince them that girls want to sleep with guys that wear this? You wily dog, Express for Men, that shirt looks like my grandma’s kitchen wallpaper! But they all buy it anyways. And how do you explain this?! They should make prisoners wear these. Maybe use them as signals for airplanes. But at the club? I don’t think so, Express for Men.

I’ve got one last message, Express for Men: don’t rest on your laurels. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for everything you’ve done, but you’ve got competition. Armani Exchange is making guido heads explode with their new line. I mean, I’m pretty sure it’s a rule you need to be able to recite Benny Benassi’s entire discography just to own this shirt. Keep your game strong, Express for Men, because you’ve got challengers.
Best,

Minor Lapel

PS: Please forward this to anyone who’s helped you in your mission: Armani Exchange, Gucci, Ruehl, American Eagle and the occasional Abercrombie jeans. You know what I’m talking about.

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