The Greatest Usual (and Not So Usual) Spring Break Destinations

Spring break is a time to emerge from the undead, get a tan, get wasted, sleep on the beach, and get laid. This list is an eclectic mix of destinations that skew more towards the side of debauchery and less towards the side of culture. Get out there and make bad choices.

Dublin, Ireland

What you’ll drink:
The most delicious Guinness ever. Irish coffee. More Guinness.
What you’ll do:
Freeze your ass of during the day (huh, cold on spring break?). Drink beer with breakfast (blood sausage anyone?). Develop an Irish accent.
What you didn’t know:
Take a day trip from Dublin to the Cliffs of Moher. They’re 241 meters tall (anyone know how to convert from the metric system?). It’s also a high wind area where tourists fall to their death each year.
Details:
You’ll get to drink with locals. Seriously. And they’re batshit crazy. Be sure to hang out at Temple Bar and avoid anything that fancies itself a club, this is a pub trip. Oh, and you can stay in hostels on the cheap to make up for the expense of flying across the Atlantic.

Las Vegas, NV

What you’ll drink:
Overpriced cocktails and free drinks to aid your nasty gambling addiction.
What you’ll do:
It’s sin city. You’ll do everything. All night gambling? Check. Baking-soda ridden blow off of a stripper’s ass? Check. Tequila body shots while midgets dance to a techno remix of the oompa loompa song? You bet! Vegas has it all.
What you didn’t know:
When you’re talking to that perfect 10 in some ridiculous club and things are going well chances are you’re talking to a middle-of-the-road call girl. Yes, she’ll sleep with you, but you’ll have to pay for it. It’s hard to tell a prostitute from a normal girl, for good or bad.
Details:
Make sure you’re 21, Vegas is the wholly grail of fake ID checking. Don’t do the “oxygen bars” - they’re a gimmicky rip of that’ll leave you with a nasty nasal infection. All-you-can-eat buffets are a godsend. Ride the New York New York casino’s roller coaster while wasted and sneak into the Tropican’s supreme (but old) pool.

Acapulco, Mexico

What you’ll drink:
Whatever Senor Frogs has on special…tequila sunrises.
What you’ll do:
Recover. Constantly.
What you didn’t know:
Spring break destinations seem to be ridden with cliffs. Coincidence? If you wake up before 1pm you can see world famous cliff divers jump from 136 foot cliffs. No joke. If you find your girlfriend waking up elsewhere with lipstick smeared and an apologetic tone you’ll be jumping from them, too.
Details:
Use a condom. And don’t take pills from strangers. See girls new to the freshman 15 that haven’t seen the sun in 4 months trying to fit in to bikinis from high school.

Miami, FL

What you’ll drink:
Whatever drink specials are on South Beach.
What you’ll do:
Spend $30 getting into clubs that don’t have drink specials. Gawk at all the beautiful people. Beach volleyball, if that’s your thing. Chain smoking?
What you didn’t know:
It’s not like in the Girls Gone Wild videos. It doesn’t matter how much crème de menthe and skol you mix in a water bottle (that sounds absolutely foul) and try to force-feed to your new best friend. If you want the irresponsible decision making portrayed in the media drive three hours south to Key West to get your fill.
Details:
Show up and bring condoms. This trip is going to be full of bad choices.

Cancun, Mexico

What you’ll drink:
Margaritas, Sea Breezes, and Tequila.
What you’ll do:
It’ll be like a frat party, but on a beach.
What you didn’t know:
You’ll probably get mauled by a hurricane.
Details:
Get rubbed on by a bunch of sweaty latin dudes and frat boys in overpriced clubs. Be prepared to drink three gallons of alcohol to get a buzz because that wristband Joey got you is only good for mass-produced econo-class drinks.

Breckenridge, CO

What you’ll drink:
Mass quantities of cheap beer and hard liquor in your cabin at night.
What you’ll do:
Ski all day and drink all night.
What you didn’t know:
You should probably know how to ski or snowboard for this to be fun. Go in big groups. You’ll get a better deal on lodging: rent a condo. You’ll also get a tan, fret not, it’ll just be on your face and make you look like a raccoon.
Details:
It’s a judgment call, do you want to forgo the sun for a chance for some great skiing Skiing? Skiing is of course considered physical activity, so if that’s not your thing, take that into account before making the plunge.

Home, Your House

What you’ll drink:
Whatever is in your parents liquor cabinet and fridge. Manischewitz?
What you’ll do:
Get home cooked meals and wallow in the misery of not being at one of the above places. See friends from high school. Shack up with the old ex. Impress your parents with your new-found shotgunning skills.
What you didn’t know:
Since you moved out your parents got bored and confused. They redecorated your room and are now having a lot of sex. Watch out!
Details:
Besides the inherent embarrassment that can accompany revealing that home is your ultimate spring break party destination, it does have its perks: it’s cheap living and you can forget how to do laundry for a week.

Pabst Blue Ribbon

Some of us understand that there are different cheap beers for different times and purposes. For example: for big parties and endless games of beer pong, Miller Lite is the obvious choice. And for a night by yourself with a Domino’s pizza and your favorite Arnold Schwarzenegger movie, well…there’s Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Not that Pabst is a bad party beer–I mean, it’s cheap and it doesn’t taste bad, right? But it doesn’t have quite the bitter bite you want for a good game of beer pong. If you’re stuck with one and don’t feel like sipping it, see if you can get a beer bong going. It’s an easy beer to down–not a lot of hard taste or carbonation.

The truth about this beer is that I’m a little embarrassed to admit how much I like it–it is, after all, the beer of choice for many hobos. But it’s good with food, and I like the taste more than Coors or Miller Lite. So if you’re stuck at home with nothing to do, pick up a six-pack (or a twelve-pack) of Pabst Blue Ribbon. It might just make your night.

 

 

Class rating: 1/5

 

 

Party rating: 3.5/5

 

 

Taste rating: 3/5

8 Ways to Put Some “Irish” into Your St. Patrick’s Day

To drinkers, St. Patrick’s Day is an occasion that holds an almost religious significance. In fact, some drunk in a bar many St. Patrick’s Days ago once told us that the occasion was rooted in some sort of Catholic tradition. He described a highly improbable scenario involving snakes having infested Ireland, and a saint named Patrick coming along to drive them out like some sort of pest control superman. Being that this entire business reminded us of an awful Jon Voight movie out of theaters by then that we had hoped to put out of our minds as well, we proceeded to move to the other end of the bar. Guinness brewery has been pushing the idea of making St. Paddy’s an official holiday, and we are all for it, but even if they’re not successful, to us St. Patrick’s Day still has a special status — we call it “Drunk’s Easter” — and it would be a disservice to our readers and a slight on the Irish ancestry of one of the authors if we did not pay tribute to this day by stopping on our way to the bar to offer some suggestions on how you can put the “Irish” back into your St. Patrick’s Day celebration:

1) Spike your Morning Starbucks:

When ordering your ultra-venti sized iced raspberry frozen frappucino chai cum latte on the morning of St. Patrick’s Day be sure to dump half of it on the floor and top up the remainder with delicious Bailey’s Irish Crème – the perfect coffee companion (Irish Whiskey is also acceptable, although it might be a bit hard on the stomach first thing in the morning — remember you only want to approach stomach-pump drunk by night’s end, so you need to pace yourself). While on most days this would raise the ire of more than one Starbucks “partner”, on St. Patrick’s Day it shows them that you know how to enjoy yourself. Another option, recently suggested by LAist, is doing the same to liven up a bit of the tasteless spearmint-flavored concoction known at McDonald’s as “The Shamrock Shake”.

 

2) Speak in a thick Irish brogue:

The Irish accent is undoubtedly the world’s easiest to mimic and the secret to perfecting it lies simply in drinking more; the drunker you are, the better your accent will be — that’s just a fact. Go throughout your entire day as if you were Brad Pitt using method-acting techniques in preparation for his role as an IRA terrorist in “The Devil’s Own”. Adopting an Irish accent is all the more effective if you choose an offensive Irish stereotype, such as Paddy the no-nonsense red-headed cop, loony Father Feeny who flashes the congregation at holy communion or Sister Mary the maniacal nun. The movie “Boondock Saints” was hugely popular both among lovers of Irish immigrant tales and also those in favor of Bernie Goetz-style justice.

 

3) Deny that Ireland has modernized:

Refuse to believe that Ireland is now one of the world’s leaders in IT and software and that companies as important as Apple would even think about putting their European headquarters in the country. Ignore any mention of Ireland leading the world in quality of life and of Dublin being a prohibitively expensive place to live, to you it’s all potatoes and four leaf clovers over there and that’s how it should be on St. Patty’s Day.

4) Learn Gaelic:

What’s taking the excruciating time and effort needed to learn a near-dead language between friends? You’ll be able to not only finally understand why someone named Shawn would spell it “Sean”, and why “Sinn Fein” is not a misspelling that people are too afraid to correct, but you’ll also wow Irish and Scottish folks who had this language crammed down their throats in school. Since you probably won’t have time to learn the entire language today, a few handy phrases will do, such as learning how to order a beer etc, which can be found here.

5) Don’t just stop at green beer:

On St. Patrick’s Day, not only should your beer be dyed green, but so should your infant’s milk, your pets, your elderly relations and your shrubbery (any exotic species you may have that is not already green by nature).

6) Tell ridiculous lies about how much worse you had it in the ‘old country’:

Even if you’re not that old and do not have a drop of Irish blood in your veins, spend the day clipping your younger relations behind the ear and reminding them of the various struggles you and yours had to go through – eating the family pets, having to shoe wild stallions and boil rocks for soup etc – in the old country so that they could enjoy such shameless luxury now.

7) Pretend you enjoy Irish cuisine:

Slap a smile on your face as you labor through a bowl of hearty Irish stew. You may not fully digest it until April Fool’s Day, but today is St. Patrick’s Day and this is the greatest cuisine in the world.

8) Sing something maudlin and depressing at a karaoke joint:

A proprietor of a New York bar recently banned the singing of “Danny Boy” at his establishment, saying it was too depressing and wasn’t even Irish to begin with (someone in the story linked here referred to it as “The Irish ‘Freebird’”). Banning a depressing song is in itself an act that flies in the face of Irish tradition, because most good Irish traditional music consists of either jigs or downright jump-off-a-bridge-after-the-last-verse bummer songs. Danny Boy is the most popular of those and if you can find a karaoke spot that hasn’t banned this song or that only permits it once a night, then may we suggest that you let it rip. Barring that, there are countless mournful tunes that you can favor the crowd with after an excess of Guinness. We’ll leave you on that note, with the best, Tommy Makem and the Clancy Brothers showing why the Irish do the mournful ballad better than ‘em all:

Now go get drunk!

This is a post contributed to us by The Shark Guys, authors of The Man Who Scared a Shark to Death (and other true tales of drunken debauchery).

St. Patrick’s Day Tragedy: $3,000 Beer Glass Costume Missing

A Detroit beer distribution company loaned a $3,000 green, pint glass-shaped costume to someone last Halloween.
On Monday, after the distribution company asked for the costume’s return, they found out it had been stolen .

Eastpointe police Lieutenant Leo Borowsky says it is believed to be one of only two such costumes in the United States. It was flown directly to Michigan from Ireland to be used as advertising.

Police suspect that the costume could be worn during upcoming St. Patrick’s Day celebrations. So, beware if you see a giant green pint glass. That shit’s worth $3,000.

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