Facebook: Share Shame Publicly!

Everyone’s gotten a wall post they wish no one had ever seen…

 

I was lying fast asleep in my bed last Tuesday afternoon following a night of heavy drinking and debauchery - but mostly just heavy drinking - when suddenly the blaring sound of my alarm clock awoke me.

I smacked my alarm clock and rolled out of bed.

Before I stumbled into the shower, I decided to check my e-mail. And to my surprise, I had 2 new e-mails from Facebook telling me about a new friend request and a new wall post. The friend request was from a girl I absolutely did not remember talking to at the party I attended, but I was guessing she was there.

The morning-after friend requests are more of a Freshman syndrome, and as a Junior, I certainly raised an eyebrow, but since I’ll do anything to boost my friend count, I accepted the friendship anyway. Then my attention turned to the remaining notification. It was a new wall post from the very same girl and it read as follows: “I loved that thing you did with your tongue!”

My first reaction was utter astonishment.

Who the fuck writes that on a wall? It was clearly meant for a private Facebook message, not a public wall post….C’MON! My second reaction was intrigue. Not only did I not remember this girl, but I had no fucking clue what she was talking about. What could I have done with my tongue? Maybe I showed her how I can roll my tongue into the shape of a crab, I thought. People do love when I do that. But then my mind went to the dirtier things I could have done with my tongue.

And when I looked at how ugly this girl was in her profile picture (think of a cross between Bette Midler and Kathy Griffith), I became mortified. I don’t even remember this girl but my entire reputation could be on the line because of some wall post. Needless to say, I deactivated from Facebook - something that I should have done after freshman year when all the hot girls on Facebook changed to closed profiles anyway.

Now, without Facebook for one week, I am proud to say that I am still very much alive and doing better than ever without the painful memories of my shameful hookups to haunt me in any digital form.

In Conclusion:

1. Morning-after friend requests, while sometimes flattering, are an utter waste of everyone’s time

2. Morning-after wall posts containing some kind of inside joke comes off as creepy

3. Don’t poke….Ever.

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