Decision 08: Which Candidate Would You Party With?

When deciding on whom to vote for, we suggest that you should think about whom you would most like to drink/party with out of all the contenders.

With a woman, a black man, a moderate Republican and a Jesus Freak as the frontrunners, this 2008 presidential race is undeniably monumental. And with an election as historic as this one, it is more important than ever to get to know the candidates for who they really are.

Sure, reading over the candidates’ policies on a variety of issues like education and gun control is one way to go about it. But judging a president shouldn’t be based solely on policies and issues and numbers. It should be based on looks, charisma, and other superficial traits. This is a great way to get past all that murky credential and qualification stuff and get right to the heart of the presidential race.

Here is a profile of the candidates to assist you in your decision-making:

Hillary Clinton:

Drink of Choice: Cosmopolitan
We chose the Cosmopolitan because of its feminine appeal, but its also strong….like a man.

What she would do at a party: Even at a party, Hillary is all business. She would probably pass around a few tequila shots, and maybe drunk dial a few lobbyists and superdelegates as the night goes on. She’ll spend at least an hour bragging about how she will buy everyone at the party free drinks while Obama would only buy some of them free drinks. And if by the end of the night she hasn’t won over the young college crowd she would probably whore out Chelsea (Hillary will now never debate on Collegedrinker.com)

6 – the number of shots it would take before Hillary is standing on a table, swinging her pants-suit jacket around in the air.

 

Barack Obama:

Drink of Choice: Keystone….lots of them

Obama is all about efficiency, cutting the deficit while keeping everyone happy (except for old white rich guys), and Keystone is surely the best bang for your buck. He also wants a drink that shows he can relate to the working class…..not that he necessarily cares about the struggling working class, he just reallllllllyyy wants Edward’s endorsement.

What he would do at a party: Lines of coke….just kidding… but seriously. But Obama would party hard. He would probably play a little beer pong, maybe make a few motivational speeches to pump up his team. He would try to win people over by smiling a lot, and would end the night by making a drunk speech about Change, but he would pass out before he ever tells you what exactly he is going to change.

897 – Number of times Obama says the words “Change” or “Hope” in one night of drinking.

 

John McCain:

Drink of Choice: Prune Juice….with Scotch
We chose prune juice because McCain is old as shit, and almost always looks constipated.

What he would do at a party: He would most likely hang out by the keg, and try to engage young college students in conversation by telling old POW stories. Once he sees that the students are drunk enough, he’ll have them fill out the paperwork to join the army so he can ship them to Iraq for the next 100 years.

4 – number of shots it would take for him to piss in his Depends diapers.

 

 

 

Mike Huckabee:

Drink of Choice: Manischewitz wine….Just kidding, it would probably be the blood of Jesus….with rum

What he would do at a party: He would play Apples to Apples, make a few jokes, and when everyone is drunk enough, he would go into his Health Care policy, which includes a combination of Jesus healing people and magical gumdrops.

3 – Number of Jesus jokes you can make before Huckabee teams up with Chuck Norris to kick your ass.

 

 

Mike Gravel:

Who the fuck is this guy?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And there you have it. Choose wisely, but keep in mind that you should probably look into their policies just a little before voting, because when America votes for the best drinking buddy, we get presidents like James Buchanan, Ulysses S. Grant, Warren G. Harding, and (the early years of) George W. Bush.

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