Act Like You Can Dance

 

Nothing scares me more than hearing the words, “Dance Party.”

Just two simple, innocuous words, yet when placed together they are powerful enough to make my knees buckle. Just the thought of an impromptu dance party makes girls panties wet, but where does that leave guys like me, who lack any sense of rhythm and haven’t danced since the bar-mitzvah era? Well, for a while I thought guys like me were essentially fucked.

How could I, a stiff uncoordinated Jew (that’s a little redundant) make it in this dance-crazed college atmosphere, where inevitably at every party some douchebag with a double popped collar starts dancing to Soulja Boy, and some girl is blasting DJ Slammy and getting all her little girlfriends to sign and dance along? But after roughly a year and a half of experimenting with hard drugs and dreaming of living in a town like the one in Footloose, I realized that there are still ways to look cool at dance parties, even if the last song you’ve danced to was the Electric Slide.

Here are the two best options, take it or leave it:

Dance For Laughs

I always thought growing up that the guys who danced always had a better chance of getting girls. And I’ve discovered that this is in fact true. Dancing certainly helps your chances, but this doesn’t mean you have to know how to dance well. In fact, if you can make girls laugh with your dancing and not at your dancing, you are made in the shade.

(***It is important to note that the best dancers will still get the hottest girls, but this form of “joke” dancing will probably get you somewhere on that second tier of girls, who aren’t “hot” but are pretty cute and appreciate humor).

So if you can’t dance, don’t try to look cool and move in a way that is going to make you feel like an uncomfortable asshole. Instead, just do whatever dance moves come to your head, be outrageous, be spontaneous, and make fun of yourself and your inability to dance. Embrace your lack of rhythm, girls will dig it.

Make Drinking the Center of your Night

If you can’t dance, not even joke dancing, then you should probably go with this option. When you see that a dance party has just broken out, walk slowly in the other direction toward the bar. Take a really circuituitous route, stop and chat with a lot of people on the way, and walk in an unusually slow pace. When you finally get to the bar and fill up a cup of beer, find your target girl, preferably one who is standing close but not too close to the dance area.

You want to be close enough so that you can observe the dancers with her and make sarcastic comments about anyone who looks particularly goofy or out of place, all while very slowly sipping on your beer. You don’t want to drink the beer too quickly because that beer is your only escape route. Anytime the girl hints that she may like to dance, point to the beer and explain that you would but you don’t want it spilling everywhere.

If the target girl gets fed up and leaves you to hit the dance floor, simply walk back to the bar, fill up your cup again, and find another girl. Maybe you’ll even get drunk enough that you’ll think you can dance. Problem solved.

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