Socially Inept Syndrome: Are You Awkward?

Do you find that you have difficulty picking up girls at college parties? Do you feel like you are incapable of initiating an engaging conversation with a member of the opposite sex without your throat becoming dry and your hands becoming clammy? Do you ever eat fruit without washing it first?

If your response is yes to all of these, you may be suffering from the epidemic sweeping across universities known as Socially Inept Syndrome (and you may also be afflicted with early stages of food poisoning).

Are you at Risk?

Young men, generally between the ages of 16-24, who suffer from SIS may have any of the following symptoms: plays more than one hour of World of Warcraft a day, has a Bette Midler poster in his room, has a snow hat and mittens that match his winter coat, has more than one pair of argyle socks, knows every word to the song, “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” and has had a Bar-Mitzvah. If you suffer from any of those deathly awkward symptoms, you can treat yourself by improving in at least one of the five C’s: Confidence, Communication, Character, Confusion, and Appearance.

Maintain Confidence

Confidence is one of the many ingredients required for cooking up some spicy flirtation with a girl at a party. With the necessary amount of confidence you will have the balls to walk across a crowded room and introduce yourself to a girl. Confidence entails nothing more than a few glib words, a captivating wink and swaying your shoulders back and forth when you walk through a room. Smiling and head nodding may also add to the effect. If you can raise your confidence and improve your self-esteem, you can effectively thwart SIS from overtaking your entire body and will being noticing the results within two weeks.

 

Establish Communication

Communication is also a vital component in picking up a girl at a college party. Once you improve your confidence and can introduce yourself to a member of the opposite sex, you need to sustain at least ten minutes of light, interesting conversation. If, after the initial two minutes of small talk there is nothing more to discuss, it may be best to begin telling fabricated stories about yourself. Here the aim is to either demonstrate your masculinity or draw pity. If you want to go with the masculinity route, the best lies are usually stories about how you got held up at gun point, how you survived a hang-gliding accident, or how you were a finalist on “Legends of the Hidden Temple” when you were 12.

If you want to travel down the pity path, the best stories are usually about how your dog recently got hit by a car, how your parents both died in a tragic blimp accident, or how your previous girlfriend was diagnosed with polio at the age of 10, and recently passed away after months of withering away in a hospital bed. Also, scars and/or doctored photographs will assist in embellishing the story.

Character & Confusion

Character and confusion go hand in hand when it comes to relationships. Most men do not discover who they truly are until after college. I, for instance, am still venturing through my “awkward years.” A common misconception is that most males reach their physical, mental, emotional, and condensational peaks at the age of 18. I, however, think that 18 is just the starting point. So don’t worry if your voice is still cracking or if you still need to show ID to get into PG-13 movies, you should take comfort in knowing that many other men on your college campus are in the exact same boat.

 

Improve your Appearance

The final and most important C is, of course, appearance. Despite what some of you may have heard, every interaction between a guy and a girl at a college party is somewhat rooted in physical appearances. If you aren’t particularly good looking or are still wandering through your “awkward years” as mentioned above, it is best to develop some sort of hobby that you really enjoy such as playing guitar or collecting state quarters, because you will most likely be alone for the majority of your life.Fortunately, there are many different kinds of people out there with a variety of tastes, so you are bound to meet someone’s standards.

You Have the Power

I’m not asking you to take all of my advice, but just improving in one of the five C’s is sure to improve your social life at school, and effectively prevent SIS from taking over your life. I know that SIS is nothing to joke around about, and that it can have extremely serious consequences. Just a few weeks ago, my little cousin died from an acute condition of SIS and my family is still trying to recover from the initial shock. Actually I made that up, but that is a perfect example of a fabricated story that can help draw pity. Use that. Good luck and Godspeed.

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